For Those Of You Who Know Me

For those of you who know me, you HAD to expect a wedding blog sooner or later. Things have been so hectic around here lately that it’s been hard to clear my head enough to jot down some thoughts. Now here I am at the beginning of the busiest week of the year and for some reason, my head is clear and I’m calm…

…minus one small part.

I was talking to my future wife Kacie last night and we both shared a common feeling. It’s the feeling that runs through your mind, past your eyeballs and out of your ear, leaving behind the feeling that you all of the sudden have to take a huge dump. You know, THAT feeling.

Picture this from both of our perspectives:

We’re in the church on the day of our wedding. The place is full to semi full of people who are all there to see this thing happen. The music starts, I see the doors open and behold my bride which triggers the butterflies. She is waiting and as the door opens the WHOLE church turns around to watch her walk. Is this really necessary? I mean really. It’s like every bad dream that you’ve ever had about being watched by everyone and hoping that you don’t mess anything up.

When she gets to me, we get to say some pretty intimate things to each other in front of everyone, then they get to watch us kiss and take off down the isle together as a new husband and wife and everybody knows that there will be sexy time that night.

I’m in front of people ALL of the time, but this is some realness kicking me in my face. I can deal with the whole “till death do you part business”, but it’s getting past the nuptials that are making us both feel so anxious to get this show on the road.

In the grand scheme of life, these things won’t even matter. Even after the fact, they will become trivial and inconsequential to our relationship. However, I shouldn’t merely view this from the surface level. After all, 90% of a glacier is hidden underwater right?

I think that the first view of my bride and the first view of her groom will play an intricate role in our relationship. That initial fire that I feel is already laced with anticipation and I can’t wait to work on my marriage even before it starts.

There are constant stories told from people stuck in the middle of lifeless marriages that hold no sense of communication, passion or the desire for a good, strong work ethic.

I was out to eat with some friends last night and my buddies’ fiancé pointed out something about the married couple at the table next to us. They sat down and didn’t say 2 words to each other. As I looked, they weren’t even looking at one another and their body language posed an unforgiving stance. Had they lost the initial hot, blue flame that burned before? Had there ever been one? Is this their only time to be silent amidst a noisy household? Or were they just plain old unhappy? I really couldn’t tell you because I didn’t stop to ask them (I thought that would be rude), but it made me think about the desire and the need that we have to start working on our marriage even before it gets started. That’s a pretty big step from one huge procrastinator.

Wish us luck! Here we go!

Insomnia

It's 4:10, I should be in bed. Actually, I AM in bed, but I'm not at all sleepy. It feels like there is nothing on my mind, but in reality it’s swirling. It’s moving, but it’s almost at a stalemate. Here I am, 2 weeks away from making the most significant plunge of my entire adult life and there are all of these inherent contradictions moving around my brain.

-“What if you’re not a good husband”

-”You’ve been trained your whole life to be a good husband”

-“You know you love her”

-“Is love enough?”

-“What can you possibly offer her?”

-“Only everything she’s ever wanted in a man”

You get the point.

For those of you who are married, stick with me here. I know that the common response to these thoughts would normally be brushed off as “pre-marital jitters”. (I don’t know if I spelled “jitters” right. I’ve never had to spell such a ridiculous word before.) The only problem is this:

I don’t have any jitters.

These are just legitimate thoughts that have been running through my head at an alarming rate. I never thought that I would care about someone so much that I knew that I could not live my life without them in it.

On THAT note, I also never thought that I would be getting excited about dumb stuff like washers and dryers. Case in point…today, as I was washing some of our wedding shower gifts, I got SO pumped over the new carafe that had a separate holder for ice so it wouldn’t melt into your beverage. I know, nuts huh? The funny part to that is after I was finished marveling at it’s amazingness, I promptly put it in the dishwasher and ruined it forever. Classic me J.

With all of that said, I just want to make her as happy and as un lonely as she makes me.

That’s all. No poetic notes or witty send offs. It’s almost 4:30 and I’m starting to get sleepy. HA! Mission accomplished.

A Merry Heart

this is the happiest time of my life....and there's only one person to blame for that. she.


she is the best of every attribute of God's perfect design, set aside for me from the moment she was born.

sure, there have been some bumps and bruises along the way. we don't get to see each other very often, but i don't hold that against her. why would i? most of the time i don't even think about that.

lately has been a little different, though. we are getting SO close to the end and just like a kid a christmas time, i'm getting anxious for the end. i know that i'm going to be getting the greatest gift on earth and i KNOW she feels the same way! ;)

case in point:

the other night i was sitting at a table with some really good friends. some were new friends, some were older friends. as i looked around, i realized that everyone else at the table was a couple. married or not, everyone else had a significant someone with them. my fiance' had just left that day and i think that heightened the matter.

everyone was trying to console me in my grief, but their messages were all the same..."you've only got 5 weeks left"! such great friends, but it's kind of like the "just visiting" space in monopoly.

anyway, i didn't say all of that to make anyone feel sorry for me. God knows that not a lot of people read my blogs, but what i DO want to accomplish here is the feeling of assurance to the woman that i love.

it's not her fault. yes, she DOES have to finish school before we can get married. yes, she DOES live in Oklahoma (in state tuition...who could blame her?). no, she COULDN'T control that. how can you control where you are when you fall in love?

i don't blame her.

it's just hard for natural reasons. loving long distances has it's fair share of heartache, but there's one thing i know for sure...i'll NEVER take her presence for granted.