....when you can dance

"What can you do with a heavy soul?"


1 Cor. 1:18

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved....it is the power of God".


My God, how many times have I heard that verse? Why does it take such a small mind 25 years to process and fully understand the meaning of a simple phrase?

I dug into an old cd collection tonight by mistake. I meant to look for a dvd for the wife and I to watch. Instead, I was confronted by an intimate stranger. A stranger whom I had once known in such a close, impressionistic way until I started living life.

This is life that Solomon (arguably the wisest man who ever lived) called "meaningless".

I look around me and feel ok most of the time...so why is this striking me like this?

I can say only this...........I'm thankful. I haven't been coming to God, so He has come to me. Why he even bothers, I'll never know....but I'm thankful.

Here I am tonight....sitting here at my computer....typing these words of freedom when inside I'm so heavy....heavy, but determined for change. I'm asking, "If not now, then when"?

Rant

I've been quiet for some time now on a lot of issues. Not only have these been issues of the heart, but others as well (i.e. religion, politics, personal freedom, moral issues) and it's time for me to break the silence and do a little ranting on all of these.

I just got off the phone with my sis who is an outspoken advocate for a majority of the religious right. Last night she attended a prayer meeting with some close friends and prayed to God in such a way that would be immediately deemed as sac religious and an abomination to so many in the modern day Christian church. She took Muslim prayer practices and placed them side by side with her own beliefs. Why does this bother so many? Have Christians become so rigid in their own belief system that they can't readily accept people from different backgrounds (and religions) merely for who they are and not what they model their lives after?

Have we become a society that's willing to turn a blind eye toward people who invest time (and taxpayer dollars) to fund an ongoing war that not only pads the pockets of already wealthy and esteemed buisness men and politicians who's only concern is for a written agenda with one person in mind...themselves? Yet, in the same breath will openly defend a political candidate based on their stance against gay marriage and abortion without ever having solid evidence that they have the best interests of our country in mind. The thought causes rolling blackouts in my mind.

We use the terms "Republican" and "Democrat" as a thermostat for turning up the political heat around election time and pick these candidates apart based on trivial issues that aren't focused around the good of society. When will people de-program and stop listening to the oppressive nature of a pastor in a pulpit trying to swing your vote based upon a limited amount of issues...i.e. Ted Haggart.

Furthermore, I find it increasingly hard to listen to political anylists from either side that talk over people and refuse to hear the words of people who don't share the same viewpoint as themselves.

Can this nation change from the downward spiral course that it's on and rely on bare facts, free of political agendas and face the REAL elephants in the room that have been taking up too much space for far too long. Think for yourself, make your own decisions. Don't allow a political sway to swing you from left to right. Judge for yourself and draw up your own conclusions. Say things that aren't popular, if you truly believe in them. We're not called to judge, just decide.

Take the Tape Off

Censorship has plagued our society for centuries. People have been losing their lives, their dignity and basic rights to freedom under the guise of speaking their mind.
When did Freedom of Speech and One Nation Under God become so trivialized by a government who searches for new ways to quiet those who don't say what is deemed appropriate?

Case in point:

Last week there was a Q&A Forum involving the 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry at the University of Florida. Here's what happened as quoted from the Fox online news source:

"Andrew Meyer, a journalism student, trying repeatedly and heatedly to ask Kerry why he conceded the 2004 election after multiple reports of disenfranchisement of black voters and rigged electronic-voting machines.

Click here to watch the video of Meyer's arrest from MyFOXNewYork.

Meyer was asked to leave the microphone after his allotted time was up but he refused. Campus police officers responded and tried to pull Meyer away in a struggle that lasted several seconds."

When I first saw this video, it reminded me of every "end of days" movie I've ever seen. Perhaps maybe even a throwback to the "government conspiracy" flicks that I used to roll my eyes at as if to say "I wonder if that REALLY happens". More and more I'm starting to see that....IT DOES!

A couple of weeks back, Sally Field was censored in her Emmy speech because of her take on this war we are in. Her words were simply opinion and should never have been taken from her. Watch it below.

">Sally Field

What did she say that dozens of political anylists don't say every day? Why CAN'T she say what she wants to say?

A few months back, one of my favorite bands, Pearl Jam, were a victim of just such censorship when they played live via the internet for an AT&T special event. They blasted through their set and during an extended portion of the song ">"Daughter", they had something else to say about their feelings on the war and the current administration. Rather than uphold our constitution, the network decided to shut them down. They have always been a band who has done nothing but stick behind their beliefs and move forward as a culture and society.

Last Friday, the Colorado State University newspaper "Rocky Mountain Collegian" published an article that said "Taser This....Fuck Bush!!!". Personally, I think that there are better ways to communicate your disdain for this administration, but it doesn't mean that their opinion shouldn't be heard.

Break down the communication barriers! We all have differing opinions and that's what makes us great as a nation....our ability to have differing opinions without oppression....but are we living that? I think the real question here is...are YOU living that? Do YOU respect other people's opinions even though they may not be congruent with your own even if they don't respect yours?

Ponder. Think. Choose for yourself.

For Those Of You Who Know Me

For those of you who know me, you HAD to expect a wedding blog sooner or later. Things have been so hectic around here lately that it’s been hard to clear my head enough to jot down some thoughts. Now here I am at the beginning of the busiest week of the year and for some reason, my head is clear and I’m calm…

…minus one small part.

I was talking to my future wife Kacie last night and we both shared a common feeling. It’s the feeling that runs through your mind, past your eyeballs and out of your ear, leaving behind the feeling that you all of the sudden have to take a huge dump. You know, THAT feeling.

Picture this from both of our perspectives:

We’re in the church on the day of our wedding. The place is full to semi full of people who are all there to see this thing happen. The music starts, I see the doors open and behold my bride which triggers the butterflies. She is waiting and as the door opens the WHOLE church turns around to watch her walk. Is this really necessary? I mean really. It’s like every bad dream that you’ve ever had about being watched by everyone and hoping that you don’t mess anything up.

When she gets to me, we get to say some pretty intimate things to each other in front of everyone, then they get to watch us kiss and take off down the isle together as a new husband and wife and everybody knows that there will be sexy time that night.

I’m in front of people ALL of the time, but this is some realness kicking me in my face. I can deal with the whole “till death do you part business”, but it’s getting past the nuptials that are making us both feel so anxious to get this show on the road.

In the grand scheme of life, these things won’t even matter. Even after the fact, they will become trivial and inconsequential to our relationship. However, I shouldn’t merely view this from the surface level. After all, 90% of a glacier is hidden underwater right?

I think that the first view of my bride and the first view of her groom will play an intricate role in our relationship. That initial fire that I feel is already laced with anticipation and I can’t wait to work on my marriage even before it starts.

There are constant stories told from people stuck in the middle of lifeless marriages that hold no sense of communication, passion or the desire for a good, strong work ethic.

I was out to eat with some friends last night and my buddies’ fiancé pointed out something about the married couple at the table next to us. They sat down and didn’t say 2 words to each other. As I looked, they weren’t even looking at one another and their body language posed an unforgiving stance. Had they lost the initial hot, blue flame that burned before? Had there ever been one? Is this their only time to be silent amidst a noisy household? Or were they just plain old unhappy? I really couldn’t tell you because I didn’t stop to ask them (I thought that would be rude), but it made me think about the desire and the need that we have to start working on our marriage even before it gets started. That’s a pretty big step from one huge procrastinator.

Wish us luck! Here we go!

Insomnia

It's 4:10, I should be in bed. Actually, I AM in bed, but I'm not at all sleepy. It feels like there is nothing on my mind, but in reality it’s swirling. It’s moving, but it’s almost at a stalemate. Here I am, 2 weeks away from making the most significant plunge of my entire adult life and there are all of these inherent contradictions moving around my brain.

-“What if you’re not a good husband”

-”You’ve been trained your whole life to be a good husband”

-“You know you love her”

-“Is love enough?”

-“What can you possibly offer her?”

-“Only everything she’s ever wanted in a man”

You get the point.

For those of you who are married, stick with me here. I know that the common response to these thoughts would normally be brushed off as “pre-marital jitters”. (I don’t know if I spelled “jitters” right. I’ve never had to spell such a ridiculous word before.) The only problem is this:

I don’t have any jitters.

These are just legitimate thoughts that have been running through my head at an alarming rate. I never thought that I would care about someone so much that I knew that I could not live my life without them in it.

On THAT note, I also never thought that I would be getting excited about dumb stuff like washers and dryers. Case in point…today, as I was washing some of our wedding shower gifts, I got SO pumped over the new carafe that had a separate holder for ice so it wouldn’t melt into your beverage. I know, nuts huh? The funny part to that is after I was finished marveling at it’s amazingness, I promptly put it in the dishwasher and ruined it forever. Classic me J.

With all of that said, I just want to make her as happy and as un lonely as she makes me.

That’s all. No poetic notes or witty send offs. It’s almost 4:30 and I’m starting to get sleepy. HA! Mission accomplished.

INERTIA

INERTIA

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged…a week to be exact. There’s really no reason for it other than the fact that I’ve been so dang tired. I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. It happens when you’re so tired that you start seeing everything in a surreal light. It’s like everything you’re experiencing at that point in time is merely a dream amidst a conscious world and air in my lungs.

However, I heard some words this weekend that clicked in an equally surreal way.

“Sometimes you have to go backward to go forward” – Craig Groeschel

He actually used an analogy of a slingshot. In order to gain forward momentum, you have to be pulled backwards first. For me though, it’s a little different. This is why I made my own personal analogy of a pinball machine.

In order to get the ball moving you have to put the right amount of force behind it.

Tonight at my weekly group gathering, we were talking about what lies that we personally buy into every day about ourselves. I knew mine from the beginning, but I waited until my turn to completely spill it all….I’ve always felt like I couldn’t do anything. It was as if I could never do anything worth while in this world because I would never be able to finish it. I’ve lacked a vision.

“Where there is no vision, the people perish” ~ Proverbs twentynine:eighteen

Ok, so, let me Tarantino this back to where I’ve been for the last few weeks. I have this vision that will NOT leave me alone. Wait, did he just say vision? Yes he did. It’s probably one of the purest things that have ever pooped its way into this young mind of mine. I want to create a sense of musical purity and integrity into the Nashville community. This could ONLY be accomplished by creating community.

Community? Community.

Here’s what I mean by community.

~Achieving and assembling an ever growing number of people using the best, most creative & innovative music, people and technology while establishing a repertoire in the community as a place full of growing acceptance regardless of race, religion, financial or social backgrounds.

Literally….people loving people while listening to great music.

Why can’t we have such a place that strives to beat out the industry at its own game while at the same time having a BLAST doing so?

I know that this is quite an undertaking, but I will have to say that I’m not alone. Among the small conversations I’ve had with friends and strangers, there are already people wanting…dare I say NEEDING to be a part of something like this.

For all of you Nashvilleans:

When was the last time that you went to a show (other than bonaroo) and felt like someone actually gave a crap that you were there? Have you ever gone to a show alone and felt like you were alone, even though you were in the middle of hundreds of others?

I have and that’s why I started hating the scene.

We’ve needed something this refreshing for a long time. Something that is so liberating that when you walk in, you feel like there are real people developing real communities. Something that is so diverse that it mows down all cultural barriers and embraces people for people. Something that you’re not afraid to tell people about because you KNOW without a doubt that they will be welcomed with open arms….no matter what. Something downtown that you’ll NEVER have to hear a p.o.s. cover of some band playing “Pour Some Sugar On Me” (they have their place too, but just not here J). Something with enough pull behind it to get everything moving. Community IS that pull. We need….

INERTIA

More than just a clever name, we need people. A vision is nothing without people to fuel it. If you would like to participate in any aspect of INERTIA, then why are you waiting?

JOIN INERTIA

GET MOVING…INERTIA

Ministers of the Mulch

It’s been 3 days since I’ve posted last, but a lot has happened. Sleep is one of those things. Being creative using several different facets is an incredible feeling, but the only catch is that my facets only turn on late at night. It’s a blessing and a curse all in the same bag and I assure you that I’m not complaining.

However, there is another part to the weekend that made an impact on everyone involved. First, I’ll set it up for you. Lifechurch voluntarily takes 10% of their church body and dedicates them to missions (which could be anything from raking leaves, to feeding the homeless or a trip to Honduras). Whatever the case, these last two weekends have held astronomical responses from the body as a whole through our “Life Reach” campaign. This is a story about R.T. Fisher Reform School.

It’s Saturday morning, 8:30 a.m., I’m awake which is NOT common for a day like Saturday. Still wiping the sleep from my eyes I arrive at the church and right behind me is Theresa. I tell her what we’re going to be doing that day and lucky for the both of us, she has quite the green thumb. Goodie! We wait about 15 minutes, not sure if anyone else will show. Alas, no one else does. If it’s just us, then it’s just us. We can take care of business! We take off (in separate cars of course….lifechurch standard! J) and arrive to the school to plant flowers, mulch and trim some limbs. Little did we know that the cavalry would be waiting for us when we got there. 10 people total to be exact! Armed like a small army with our array of shovels, clippers, ho’s (the garden tool), and a fantastic work ethic, we attacked the school.

2 ½ hours later, we emerged as a unified body of people. We didn’t do this for any recognition or to prove that our church is better than anyone else’s, but we did it to put our faith into action. “Preach the gospel always and when necessary, use words” – St. Francis of Assisi.

I think that coming to that kind of realization with 10 other people did nothing short of scream those words into existence in my heart. As a Christ follower, it’s easy to trap such an infinite being as God into such a small viewfinder, but this weekend changed all of that. I watched 10 people (including myself) discover unconsciously through their actions that God was planting flowers at a reform school that day and that generations of students would be affected by one solitary action from a small group on a Saturday morning. We can change generations by mulching! Whodathunkit?

Will the students see the newly mulched flowerbed and neatly trimmed hedges and have a life changing experience with God almighty? Probably not, but it’s those subtle nuances that could inadvertently trigger a thought in their mind that someone cares, thus sustaining hope within a hopeless environment.

Lives were changed because of yard work….I know, I was there…..and I left a different man.

Love's Not A Grave

Love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.
-as tall as lions

Have you ever been afraid of success? Sounds stupid doesn't it? To some it sounds utterly ridiculous. To others they are words of complete sense and pure poetry to the insight of their minds eye. In a legalistic, money driven society like the one we live in today success isn’t judged based solely on merit. You can’t get up front without a knife in the back. Et tu, Brute?

For those of you who have no IDEA what I’m talking about, let me enlighten you.

I moved to Nashville a little over 3 years ago without money or goals, but with plenty of ambition. My intentions were good, but my drive was lacking in all areas. When it came to confidence while being on stage, I was set. When it came to giving a flawless performance every time, there was no problem. However, when it came time to book shows, I got lazy and pre occupied with a job I hated (and I hated them all) and I wasted precious time.

The laziness then gave way to a lack of knowledge. After all, if I don’t know anybody around town then my hands are tied, right? WRONG! I was perfectly able to hop in my car to any one of the clubs or venues downtown that offer a slew of Nashville writers and musicians platforms every night of the week. My problem wasn’t in my ability, but the way that I tricked myself to forget about what I loved…the music. The lie about knowledge (my lack thereof) then managed to birth its way out into fear. Is this the fear that I might actually do something in this world? No. I hated where I was in my life and I knew how to change, but I didn’t. I stayed in the same old mundane lifestyle that birthed the fear in the first place. I was never proactive enough to pull out of the crap and get rid of the things that needed to be replaced. I would burn like a match and snuff out quickly after.

So in light of all of this, was I REALLY afraid of success, or so confused inside of myself that I allowed a lie to run the better part of my life as it raced past me like a subway car? I bought in and believed that I couldn’t for so long that it made me wonder if my love was sick in the hospital with meningitis coughing and wheezing like “Granny Old Bones” who chain smoked at the bowling alley when I was 8, filling my young, delicate, still forming lungs with a putrid, vile stench of Marlboro Reds ™. I thought it was dead. There’s good news, though…

I’ve found my love again. It never decayed because it never died. Love’s NOT a grave, or a tomb or a eulogy because true love for something or someone isn’t judged based solely on merit. What it IS based on is how deep and wide the owner lets it grow.

After some time, it’s something I find true

Love’s not a grave, it won’t decay on you

So many days I was afraid of love

- "Love, love, love (love, love)" by As Tall As Lions

...To Exude Excellence

Excellence. Only recently has this word even attempted to be applied with strength and precision in my life. Actually, up until about 6 months ago, I didn’t even know what that word could ever mean. I mean, what does a boy from Mississippi who moves to Nashville to be around music EVER need excellence for? Better yet, why hadn’t I ever tried to pursue it? I’ve been thinking about these things and I can only really come up with one real solution….this crap is hard work!

It’s a typical scenario. You have someone who has a little bit of talent given to him (or her for the ladies) with a lot of drive and heart and he could really go far. It happens all the time. How often do you hear someone on the radio, on a tv show or even at a live venue and think to yourself “Wow, I could do what THAT person is doing”.

Take a different perspective…and this is the kicker that happens ALL of the time. You have someone who is stupid talented. I’m talking about the guys that can play, sing, write, compose circles around those jerks on reality tv making loads of money off of a karaoke contest. Yes, THOSE people. More times than none, “those people” have no drive, no communication and most certainly no excellence in their work.

Currently I am a worship leader. I am a full time musician. It’s more of a controlled setting and that’s something that I’ve never been used to. In my former circles, I used to be what I like to refer to as the “wing man”. No, I’m not talking about the guy that goes with you on a blind date “just in case” you have to make a getaway. I’m talking about me here….the guy that let the breeze take him wherever. I had no idea what excellence could be and how it could affect every waking aspect of your performance.

Yeah I know….quite an epiphany, huh?

Here’s what REALLY boggles my mind, though. How can I, a Christ follower be anything less than excellent? Am I doing myself and other people a disservice if I come unprepared for a weekend?

Yes. Yes, I am. And on top of that, I would be held accountable. Much like a boss at a job, I would be held accountable if I showed up on a Saturday night or Sunday morning and had nothing ready whatsoever.

So then, whether you are a Christ follower or not, the sheer fact remains that the idea to “exude excellence” is foreign in our society. Whether you’re working for the city making minimum wage (like I did), or in retail (also like I did), or 7 figures (like our reality show karaoke friends…..oh, NOT EVER me) exuding excellence is more than just a Biblical principle…it’s a way of life.

An Awakening

i live in Nashville. Music City U.S.A. The epitome of everything that is music. you can find any brand or type of music you want.

obviously, there is the country genera which is what this town is famed for. not exactly my cup of tea, but it still abounds here.

then there's the Christian music scene. the gma's. the church's "answer" to the music of the world. there's just one problem with it all...it's that whole "there is nothing new under the sun" thing.

case in point. i went to hear a friend play a showcase at the Gospel Music Association's annual event. think of it like a big Grammy party. he was excellent and i know he's going to do great things musically in his life.

however, as i was standing there...listening to the other acts i found myself needing to leave with a quickness.......and that's EXACTLY what i did.

i walked to my car and called my fiance' and the first thing out of my mouth was, "baby, this is NOT my scene". just a few years ago, i thought that it could be. maybe SOME kind of possibility would lead me there. but tonight i felt a different vibe....an uneasy vibe.

as i walked down the hall, i could only feel the symptoms of such a self serving, egotistic, processed feeling of a watered down version of the real message that should be so passionately conveyed in a real, honest way. think of it as more of a lens rather than a focus.



let's face it...Christians only make music for other Christians. there is a whole marketing outlet out there specifically geared for one purpose...to pimp the praise.

never before has being a "worship leader" been such a loose term amongst Christ followers. it's almost as loose as the term "Christian" has become in our culture. when people will follow a formula, making the status quo a bear market. they are less worried about leaving so much as a fart stain on society and are more consumed about being noticed. (cause it sure as crap aint for the money)

don't get me wrong, there are some really great people with amazing attitudes and larger than life hearts in that same industry like in every industry. but, just like every industry...those people tend to be run over and forgotten.

will it go away? no. i hope it doesn't. i hope it (the industry) has left enough room to change.

to embrace musical culture
to compensate their musicians properly
to enrich integrity

you know what i mean? basic, Biblical principles.

it's time for change. real change.

A Merry Heart

this is the happiest time of my life....and there's only one person to blame for that. she.


she is the best of every attribute of God's perfect design, set aside for me from the moment she was born.

sure, there have been some bumps and bruises along the way. we don't get to see each other very often, but i don't hold that against her. why would i? most of the time i don't even think about that.

lately has been a little different, though. we are getting SO close to the end and just like a kid a christmas time, i'm getting anxious for the end. i know that i'm going to be getting the greatest gift on earth and i KNOW she feels the same way! ;)

case in point:

the other night i was sitting at a table with some really good friends. some were new friends, some were older friends. as i looked around, i realized that everyone else at the table was a couple. married or not, everyone else had a significant someone with them. my fiance' had just left that day and i think that heightened the matter.

everyone was trying to console me in my grief, but their messages were all the same..."you've only got 5 weeks left"! such great friends, but it's kind of like the "just visiting" space in monopoly.

anyway, i didn't say all of that to make anyone feel sorry for me. God knows that not a lot of people read my blogs, but what i DO want to accomplish here is the feeling of assurance to the woman that i love.

it's not her fault. yes, she DOES have to finish school before we can get married. yes, she DOES live in Oklahoma (in state tuition...who could blame her?). no, she COULDN'T control that. how can you control where you are when you fall in love?

i don't blame her.

it's just hard for natural reasons. loving long distances has it's fair share of heartache, but there's one thing i know for sure...i'll NEVER take her presence for granted.

Grace

i have been doing some thinking lately. a lot of thinking really. i normally embrace change...in every way, but there have been times recently where change has affected my mode of thought.

i found myself asking this question: "why grace"? why is there so much grace in my life. there's nothing i have that i deserve. none of my happiness has been warranted and i am in a season of good, strong change that i hold and i feel like i'm waiting for it to implode with no notice.

i don't think that i lack faith, but that kind of thing happens all the time. hills and valleys, mountains and molehills, laurel and hardy. you get the point. there are so many ups that when the down comes...it's devastating.

so here i am at the top of this mountain and the only freakin thing that i can think about is who's at the bottom. i can't get past the fact that there are people that LIVE there. some of them are my friends...so called or not....and some are total strangers. regardless, wherever they are, WHOever they are makes no difference.

some are lost in life and don't have any direction, some are running from a real, true calling, some are in transition and then there are some who just don't care. some don't think they're really there at all, and then there are those that flaunt the fact that they are there. whatever the circumstance...there they are.

"God can release them" is the typical church cliche' that most people say whenever they want to feel sorry without an ounce of remorse for a lack of action. sure God can, but what if He doesn't? what if He's waiting it out? what if He's waiting on the person to quit being to stinking selfish and wake up to the fact that there is a whole silent world that depends on them.

"curse God and die" is what other people told Job when he was dealing with the feces party that became his life. rather than do that, he stayed true. when others would have committed spiritual suicide and died lonely and disheveled in a pile of their dreams of what once could have been, he didn't and was rewarded for it.

so the REAL question is this: should i feel guilty for being on my mountain?

the REAL answer is this: absolutely NOT, because i'm no stranger to the valley...in fact i'll be back there for a visit sooner than i really want. and i can deal with that because i've been learning this truth...

it's all a part of the grand scheme that gradually enriches people *whether they're Christ followers or not*.

the quote "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has also been bothering me. i've said it before and i've even used it out of context, but i think that there are those other "extreme seasons" that you need for a real purging...or if you're a tree, pruning.

for branches to grow stronger, they have to be pruned...trimmed...cut back...even set back a long way for the sole purpose of making a better tree.
i've heard this analogy a hundred times, but only recently has it made so much sense to me.

now, if you're reading this and thinking "well, that's easy for him to say...he's on a high...a mountain". i promise you this....we WILL be trading places and i'll embrace your position like you will embrace mine. and to that i say...good day.